Life After Addiction: Rediscovering Joy
After spending countless years addicted to heroin, meth, and alcohol, I had myself highly convinced that there would never come a day that I would be able to fully function without the use of drugs or alcohol.
There would never come a time that I didn’t crave it.
I was so certain I would never enjoy life without the presence of substances or being under the influence.
I would never be able to go through the stressful and heavy moments of life without canceling them out by drowning myself in booze or shooting away the pain.
The many failed attempts I had at getting sober were merely to eliminate the consequences I was facing due to my addiction - not because I genuinely desired a life without using.
In a picture perfect world, I was hoping to find the magical answer that would allow me to fix my life, all the while still staying fucked up.
The times where I made an effort to clean myself up, I was greeted with all the typical feelings that come flooding back in after numbing them and pushing them away for so long. The mentality that takes over when your body starts to re regulate after spending X amount of time being altered by substances.
It fucking sucks.
Feelings of self-doubt, regret, worry, panic, stress - misery. Everything seemed like an impossible task. Things that should’ve come easily, didn’t. Things that should’ve brought me joy, didn’t.
You try to grip for anything that gives you the slightest inclination that sobriety might be worth it. Hope.
In the very beginning it might seem like there is none.
There is.
You’ve gotta get through the bad shit to get to the other side of it. It’s there. As you give yourself the time to physically start feeling better, the rest will come.
You start to rebuild confidence. You regain strength. You gain mental clarity. You start setting and acheiving new goals. You start building a new life and new habits. And finally, the joy resurfaces.
The old hobby you picked back up and re mastered. The laughter of your children when you take them outside to play. The book you start reading. The deep breath of air you take on your mid-day walk. The connections you make at your local NA meeting. Holidays with family coming together. A new planned roadtrip to see a new place. You start looking forward to things.
The joy comes back.
I’ll never forget when I finally got clean and was coming off of meth. When I share my story, I always explain it as like this: I saw everything in black and white for a while. No color. Even though I was sober, from the time I opened my eyes in the morning till I closed them at night, I just going through the motions. I fucking hated everything and everyone. Everything annoyed me. Everything was pointless.
I'll never forget when I woke up one morning (probably 1.5 - 2 weeks in) I made a cup of coffee and looked out the window and for the first time in what felt like forever I felt motivated and excited for the day. Even though there was nothing really going on that day and I didn't have anything exciting planned. I just remember this feeling of like everything was gonna be OK. It was the start of a brand new day and my mind shifted to being in a much better place in that moment.
By no means was my entire life fixed. Just because I was remaining abstinent didn’t make everything else automatically fall right into place for me. But, I couldn’t ignore the realization that even though my life was still in the process of coming back together (or so I hoped) I genuinely felt that life might not be so bad.
The color started to come back.
The longer that you're sober and the more time you give yourself without substances, even the most basic things like a cup of coffee, turn into something that you start to look forward to. You start to discover a new found sense gratitude for things.
Happiness and joy are found where you plant them.
When you’re stuck in the daily struggle of fighting for your life. Being trapped in situations that require you to survive instead of live. When you are at war with your own mind - it makes “planting happiness” very difficult to do.
Sobriety doesn’t promise you a perfect life. Sobriety doesn’t promise you unlimited joy and happiness. It promises you the space to create some.
Being sober has allowed me to feel the emotions that come with living a fulfilled life. That goes for the good and the bad. We have to experience the bad to know the value of the good.
All the time you spent in active addiction- the pain, the struggles, the damage. Now, image the relief, joy, and light waiting for you to experience it when you get to the other side. You would never be able to fully recognize the beauty in rebuilding yourself, if you didn’t live through and experience the turmoil that burnt it all down.
Because I knew what it was like to wake up each and every day wishing that I hadn’t, when that weight finally subsided it was something that didn’t go unnoticed. Don’t convince yourself that the life you led while using will ever be better than the life you can have sober.
Addiction robs us of so many things. Mainly time. We never know how much time we have and we can’t get it back. Don’t live in regret for what seems lost. Move forward with anticipation of everything you have left to gain.
Time with your children. Time for your goals. Time with your family. Time to build memories. Time to travel. Time to fulfill your dreams. Don’t miss any of it.
You have to put the work in. Instead of spending time wishing I could go back to using I had to push myself to start doing things that made being sober enjoyable. I didn’t think I would ever find anything that trumped the feeling of drinking or getting high.
Once again, yet another thing that slapped me across the face the longer I rode sobriety out - I was wrong. There are so many things that bring me great joy today. And, it’s in the joy and love I have for those things that makes me never want to consider going back to using ever again.
Give yourself time to get back into a new daily routine before you try to conquer the world all in one day. Give yourself time to work through the ugly feelings of early sobriety. It gets better. I promise if it didn’t I wouldn’t be here today, I’d be right back out there.
The things you’re about to experience from living out a sober life will be better than anything you ever experienced while using. It makes it all worth it.
Helpful Tips For Reestablishing Joy
The "Micro-Joy" Scavenger Hunt
Stop searching for big, life-altering events. Focus on small, daily pleasures.
Helpful Tip: Create a quick list
The perfect cup of coffee.
A 10-minute walk in the sunshine.
The feeling of clean sheets.
A genuinely good laugh at a silly movie.
Actionable Advice: Start a "Joy Journal" and write down 3 small things that made them smile each day or 3 things that you are grateful for
Re-Engage W/ Your Senses
Activities that ground you in the present and re-sensitize yourself to life.
Helpful Tip: Addiction often numbs the senses. Sobriety lets you really taste food, really smell the rain, and really feel an embrace.
Sensory Activity List:
Taste: Cook a favorite meal
Sound: Listen to music
Touch: Hug a pet, or feel the texture of a soft blanket.
Connect with Purpose
The deepest, most sustainable joy comes from feeling useful and connected to something bigger than oneself.
Helpful Tip: Finding purpose, which can be simple acts of service.
Volunteer for an hour.
Mentor someone in early recovery.
Help a neighbor with a task.
Simply listen and giving advice to a friend.
If you are struggling with the overwhelming feelings of early sobriety don’t be afraid to ask for help. Do not hesitate to reach out to me personally hpawlowski@celebratingu.net or others within your support network. Use your resources. Meetings. Support groups. Online meetings or mentorship. Seek out a sponsor. Pick up the phone. Sit down and write. Get your body moving. Go for a walk.
Do anything that is going to help you not stay stuck for another day.
Utilize the material provided in our digital library or resource page. You can find information that best suits your needs and products to start using today that will help guide you along your recovery journey.
I’m so proud of you for getting where you are at today. Embrace the moment. Know that bad days are only as bad as you allow them to be. Moments of difficulty are only temporary. Better days are always up ahead.
