Staying Sober When Your Friends Are Still Drinking and Using

Cat's out of the bag by now: getting sober can feel sucky and lonely, and pretending otherwise helps no one. For a lot of us our social lives were built around the very thing we're now trying to leave behind. Game nights, birthdays, concerts, a drink after work, the group chat that only lights up when someone has a plan to go out.

Then you decide to change your life, and suddenly you're standing in the middle of it all with a seltzer in your hand, wondering where you fit.

I've been there, and if that's you right now, I want you to know it's normal, it's survivable, and you can come out the other side with a life that feels better than the old one ever did.

Relapse is not a rare failure that only happens to people who "didn't want it enough." The National Institute on Drug Abuse estimates that 40 to 60 percent of people treated for a substance use disorder relapse at some point.

Relapse is a common part of a hard process. Research on recovery keeps pointing to the same thing: your environment and the people around you carry a lot of weight. Period.

Studies have found that those whose social circles were full of heavy drinkers or users had a harder time staying sober, while people who built even a few sober or supportive connections did noticeably better. Do with that what you will.

Staying deeply plugged into a world of active use makes staying sober harder, and it makes sense when you think about it. Cravings are triggered by people, places, sounds, and smells.

Being around the drinking or using, every weekend, with people who you have a history with, is asking your brain to white-knuckle its way through a minefield. There’s no reward for proving to yourself or others that you can stay abstinent in the same environments that have always proved to be harmful.

This is where boundaries come in. I've written a whole other blog going much deeper on the importance of setting boundaries with friends, family, and any situation that puts your well-being at risk, so go read that one when you're done here.

For now, the short version is this: a boundary isn't a punishment and it isn't an ultimatum. It's a decision about what you will and won't be part of so you can protect the thing you're building.

Maybe that's "I'm not going to bars right now." Maybe it's "I'll come to your birthday dinner, but I'm leaving before the after-party." Maybe it's "please don't offer me anything, and please don't use around me." Some friends will hear that and respect it. Others won't. How they respond tells you a lot.

I know the advice everybody gives is "just cut them off," and I know how empty that sounds when it's your best friend of ten years or the whole crew you grew up with.

Cutting ties sounds really simple but truthfully can be really hard. These aren't strangers. They're people who knew you when, who laughed with you, who showed up in some ways, even if they were also part of the chaos.

For me, in 2017, I was given the opportunity to move states and rebuild my life in Wisconsin. It gave me a brand new start that was scary but necessary. I know that's not possible for everyone. A lot of people seeking recovery don't have the resources or the ability to uproot their lives completely, and please hear me: you don't have to move across the country to protect your sobriety.

Boundaries work right where you are. I will tell you what my move showed me… Every single friend I partied with and spent my younger years with, once I got sober and once I moved away, not one of them reached out to me or supported me in the right ways. Not one.

That hurt, and it also showed me everything I needed to know.

You're allowed to grieve friendships. It's a real loss, even if nobody died and there wasn’t some big fallout. You might miss inside jokes, the routine, the version of yourself that existed in that group. You might feel angry, or guilty, or like you're abandoning people.

Let yourself feel all of it. Write it out, talk to a counselor or a sponsor, cry in your car if you need to. Grief that gets ignored tends to show up later, so give it somewhere to go.

Something else happens once you're a few weeks, months, or even years into your sobriety journey…

As you start taking care of yourself, sleeping better, eating better, moving your body, going to meetings or therapy, picking up hobbies, showing up to work, your life starts shifting.

You'll notice you're busy in a good way, and the people who are consumed by drinking and using tend to drift away on their own.

You don't have to have some big dramatic conversation. They stop texting because you stopped being available for the same things, and you stop reaching out because you're finally putting energy into your own life.

You start moving in different directions.

This is where I feel it’s important to remain somewhat compassionate. Your friends who are still using aren't new villains. Most of them are people doing what you were doing, coping the best way they know how.

When you see them that way, you can wish them well without needing to go along for the ride.

Today, when I look back at the people I used to hang out with, some of them got clean and have separate lives now. Some didn't, and have sadly passed away. Some are still stuck in the cycle. I don’t hold any judgment. They have just as much control of their lives as I do mine.

Once I made the personal choice to do better for myself, certain connections just no longer existed in my life, and I'm fully at peace with that.

Getting to that peace took a little time, and it doesn't mean I stopped caring. You can say, "I love you, I hope you're okay, but I can’t be around you" and mean every word. One day if they get sober too, the door can potentially be reopened.

When you get sober and start figuring out who you are without substances, you might find out that some of your relationships weren’t what you thought. When everything revolved around drinking or using, it’s easy to mistake shared activity for real connection.

Once that's gone, you might sit across from someone and realize you have nothing to talk about. Or that they never really cared about how you were doing. Or that the friendship only worked when you were a certain version of yourself.

That realization is a gift. You're not losing anything. You're getting clear on what’s real and genuine. What’s real is what you get to build the next chapter on.

So, what do you actually do today if you're standing in this situation right now?

Start by getting honest with yourself about your triggers. Which people, places, and times of day make you want to use? Write them down if you have to. Then pick one boundary to set this week, just one.

Maybe it's skipping the Friday hangout at the bar, or muting a group chat. Keep it simple and don't over explain it. "I'm not going out this weekend.” is a full sentence, and you don't owe anyone a debate.

Next, have an exit plan any time you do end up in a situation you can't avoid. Drive yourself so you can leave whenever you want. Keep a non-alcoholic drink in your hand so nobody keeps offering you one. Decide ahead of time what you'll say when someone pushes, and give yourself permission to walk out mid-sentence if you feel your head going somewhere dangerous. Text a sober friend, a sponsor, or a family member before and after, so someone knows what you're walking into. Nothing bad happens if you leave early.

Then, and this is the one that matters most, fill the space. Don't just remove people from your life and leave a hole where they used to be, because a hole is exactly where addictive tendencies fester and fuck you back up.

Go to a meeting, even if you don’t feel like it. Look into some sort of recovery based community or connection (it does not have to be NA or AA), a sober meetup, a gym class, a volunteer shift, a support group online if getting out of the house feels like too much.

Try something you've never done, like a pottery class, a run club, or a walking group, a book club. You're not looking for a replacement for your old friends. You're looking for people who like the sober version of you, and you'll find that they're out there.

Here’s what I want you to take with you… being able to stay sober while your friends use comes down to your willpower, your ability to establish those necessary boundaries, and your willingness to protect your peace, stability, and recovery over the fear of missing out, letting someone else down, or worrying about other people’s opinions and judgment. Put yourself first. Your recovery has to come before anyone else’s expectations, feelings, or approval.

Some friendships will fade, some will surprise you, and some you'll outgrow. None of that is a failure on your part. It's what happens when you start living for the person you're becoming.

The loneliness you might feel right now is temporary, and it's not a sign you made the wrong choice.

Every sober morning, every night you chose to go home instead of staying out, every time you say no without apologizing, that's you laying the bricks. You won't always see the progress while you're in it, but one day you'll look around and realize your life feels steady, full, and truly yours.

Don’t ever feel like you have to do this alone! I offer peer mentoring services and would love to hear from you! Whether you need help setting boundaries, building a new sober routine, working through a rough patch, or just need someone in your corner reach out hpawlowski@celebratingu.net or click here to schedule your free discovery call and let's talk about what support could look like for you. There is also an entire digital library available to you packed full of recovery resources you can use independently no matter where you are on your recovery journey! Click here to access digital library.

You've already done something brave by even reading this far. Now keep going! I’m rooting for you!