man sitting on the ground in distress with hands on his head

We’ve all been there. A relationship ends and you’re stuck wondering how the hell you’re ever going to move forward.

It seems like you’re going to be sad forever. You have no idea who you are without this person in your life. Your future plans have vanished. You think you’ll never find love like that again. All of these feelings are totally valid.

It’s normal to grieve the life and love you once had. It normal to grieve a person and your connection. It’s normal to give yourself time to heal. But, if you’re anything like me - sometimes we get stuck.

It’s so easy to get stuck in that depressed state. It’s easy to close ourselves off to future relationships. It’s easy to lose ourselves in the pain. And, if you’re anything like me - it’s easy to backslide into old destructive behaviors to cope.

When a long-term relationship of mine came to a traumatic end several years ago, I felt like my entire world fell apart. I had to watch him immediately jump into another relationship. I moved out of the home we purchased together and planned our future in. I had to completely start over.

Besides the obvious reasons of the situation being life-altering - the emotional pain took its biggest toll. I became a shell of the person I once was. I went back to drinking. I started blaming myself for everything. My confidence plummeted. I had no ambition to go about my day-to-day life.

It’s important to give yourself time to feel your emotions and work through them. It’s essential to give yourself time to heal before jumping into another relationship. But how do you do that?

Here's what I started doing when I decided I no longer wanted to feel like shit and give someone else the satisfaction of seeing me suffer.

Perspective

Accepting reality. Not allowing yourself to live in false narratives of “what ifs” or trying to go back to what once was. Appreciate the good moments of the relationship - be grateful for them. The not so great moments? Take those as lessons with you into your new future. A grateful mindset helps reshape the pain.

Detox

Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally. Detox from the person the same as if you were detoxing from a substance. I know doing both seem impossible. Drinking and substances are the last thing that will ever help you heal in a healthy way and bring you out of heartbreak as a better version of yourself.

Detoxing from the person. Setting boundaries. It’s so hard to fight the urge to text or hoover over an ex when things come to an end. It’s difficult to rebuild your life, when you’ve become so accustomed to someone else being engrained into every aspect of it.

Mel Robbins gives great advice when she advises to do a 30 day detox from the other person. No texting. No calling. No “accidentally” running into them. Don’t check social media. Don’t listen to old voicemails and scroll through your camera roll. 30 days minimum of a no contact. This was something that helped me tremendously! This gives your brain the necessary time to rewire itself without potentially being triggered.

Detoxing from media, places, and content that puts you in a depressive state. I temporarily avoided watching lovey dovey movies - simply because they reminded me of how much I hated my life and how sad I was. I wasn’t reading material that sparked negative intrusive thoughts to take over. I stopped listening to music that made my heart feel like it was going to fall out off my chest. I avoided going places where memories were made with me and the other person.

Self-Care

The way you feel is a direct reflection of how well you take care of yourself. Depression and heartbreak can make simple tasks seem impossible. Your ambition to do anything or get anything done goes out the window.

You’ve gotta force yourself out of the slump. Basic needs being met will automatically make you feel better. Getting adequate sleep. Drinking and eating throughout the day. Getting some sunshine on your face. Getting dressed and putting yourself together. When you look good you feel good.

Accomplishing tasks, no matter how small - you will gain a sense of accomplishment. It will get your mind focused on something productive instead of sulking. Physical movement shifts your mood. Staying busy helps avoid depressive episodes, risk of rebounding, or destructive down time.

Healthy Habits & Self Esteem

Confidence and self-worth are built over time. You have to stay commitmented to wanting to become the very best version of yourself. The longer you stay on your healing journey the more evident it becomes that you can do all the things you once doubted.

Find things that inspire you. Whether that looks like working with a mentor, listening to a motivational podcast, or reading educational or self-help literature. Your journey to self improvement and healing is powerful. Time put into bettering yourself is never wasted.

Express yourself through healthy outlets. Try a new hobby. Create something. Start going to the gym or going for daily walks. Join a book club or recreational group. Something that will excite you and that you dedicate your time too. Put the effort into recreating yourself.

Emotional Regulation

Even if you are taking the appropriate steps to detach from a person, the emotional pain/ trauma is still something you will be faced to work through. No matter how busy you keep yourself, there will still be moments of weakness. There will still be nights you cry yourself to sleep. There will be days you can’t find it in you to get to work. You’ll have doubt. You’ll have fears. You’ll have the hurt.

Instead of numbing it with substances, self-harm, or distraction - acknowledge it and go right through it.

Acknowledge the emotion.

Writing was something I utilized when it came time for me to work through some of the ugly shit. Daily journaling helped me sort through all my thoughts. Whenever I felt the urge to express how I was feeling towards my ex, I would write a letter. Don’t send it. Write a letter to yourself. A letter of self forgiveness. A letter to your future self. All of these methods help reshape your thoughts and get your emotions back in check.

Practice the "STOP" Skill (A DBT Technique)

When an emotional wave feels overwhelming or you feel the urge to act impulsively (e.g., text your ex, check their social media), use this quick grounding technique:

Stop: Freeze! Do not move or act.
Take a Step Back: Detach yourself from the situation and take a breath.
Observe: Notice what is happening inside you (your emotions, thoughts, and body sensations) and outside of you.
Proceed Mindfully: After observation, choose a healthy action instead of reacting on impulse.

Solitude

Being alone can be a troubling space for some, especially after ending a relationship. After a relationship ends, it's absolutely crucial to learn how to be okay with just being alone.

Solitude and isolation are two different things. This does not mean cut everyone off and lock yourself in your apartment for the next 6 months.

This means finding a comfortable peace in the quiet and genuinely getting to know and like your own company again. It’s tough, and many people struggle with this because well… it’s uncomfortable.

When you feel that emptiness and sense of loneliness, some resort to quick fixes like drinking too much, distracting themselves endlessly, or most often, immediately starting a new relationship (the classic "rebound").

This immediate jump or destructive coping is a huge roadblock to your healing.

Give yourself the space to grow and learn that your happiness doesn't depend on having someone else by your side.

So, where do we go from here? Look at everything you've navigated. Seriously, take a moment. The truth is, there is nothing more powerful than taking a situation that felt like it was meant to destroy you, and turning it into something that launches you so much farther ahead than you ever thought possible.

The love, strength, and brilliance you need is already yours. Your best chapter isn't behind you. I promise.

If you find yourself still struggling to navigate the deeper layers of heartbreak or relationship trauma, please know you don't have to do that alone. I am genuinely happy to offer support. If you're curious about taking the next step in your healing, you can schedule a free consultation for my mentoring services. Or, if you just want to talk things through, please don't hesitate to shoot me a personal email HERE —my inbox is always open.